Fixed Pie Fallacy
by Order of Arcadia
Summary: Thanos takes one (1) class in basic economics from Tony Stark, and Infinity War and Endgame never happen. No spoilers for Endgame, the Remembered AU "Good Ending".


**A/N: This is all the dignity that the whole fiasco with Wrinkle-Chin McFartFace is ever going to get from me. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Titan was like most planets," said the one called Thanos. "Too many mouths, not enough to go around. When we faced extinction, I offered a solution."

"Genocide," offered Dr. Strange. Despite everything, he managed to keep his voice steady. "And you'd like to do it to the rest of us too."

"But random, dispassionate, fair. Half will die, so half can live. Then," said Thanos with a sigh, "I can finally rest. And watch the sun rise on a grateful universe."

Tony Stark, actual genius, popped his head up and said, "Oh, the fixed pie fallacy."

"What?" asked Thanos.

"What?" hissed Peter Quill.

"High school economics, nothing impressive." In Quill's direction, Tony added, "You probably don't know it."

Quill couldn't have looked more offended if Tony licked his girlfriend. "Dude, you're blowing our cover!"

Tony strutted out of hiding and up to Thanos, vaguely gesturing in the air with his hands. "Basically, it's an error of logic built on the assumption that the resources of the universe are finite—which they are—and that if my piece of the pie is bigger, yours is smaller, right?"

"You say many words, little man," said Thanos, his shadow looming over Tony. "But what you don't understand is—"

"No, no, no, listen to me. Just listen to me for a second." Tony dropped his voice and whispered conspiratorially to the giant. "I get the impression that you're a smart guy. Yeah? You wanna fix the universe, make this miserable space hole we live in a better place. Here's the only problem with your plan." Tony pointed both fingers to emphasize and said, "It's not going to work."

Thanos' purple face was screwed up, half like he was trying to understand this foreign idea and half like he was struggling to defecate. The nine-foot-tall monster was like a moronic baby.

Tony leaned in and hoped he'd crit on his charisma check. "I want to help you. If you listen to me, I'll tell you a plan that will _work_. One genius to another. Yeah?"

Thanos' face was still screwed up. The ruffles on his chin randomly reminded Tony of manicotti and boy, could he have gone for some good pasta right now.

Finally, Thanos found a rock and sat down laboriously, laying his arms on his knees and—with an air of self-importance, as if Tony should have been honored that the Great and Mighty Thanos even considered it—said, "I'm listening."

"Great!" Tony clapped twice and began to strut. "Take notes kids, class is in session."

Peter Parker groaned and stumbled out of hiding. "But I just _left_ a school trip."

"Nothing from the peanut gallery. Let's go."

* * *

"So in conclusion," said a still-pacing Tony Stark, in front of an audience in varying degrees of boredom, rapturous attention, and taking notes (bless Underoos), "the fixed pie fallacy is just that: false. The wealth of a nation—or a planet—or the universe—is not in its physical natural resources, but in the human minds—"

Briefly remembering that not every person is a human, Tony waved at Thanos. "Or Titan—or, uh, what do you call yourself?" he asked, leaning toward the anime girl with the antennae. "I don't want to be rude."

"Hey, we get the point, get on with it," grumbled Quill.

"Okay. In the _minds_," Tony went on, "of intelligent people like us who can take those resources and turn them into something _better_. Like if I took this, uh..." He scuffed at the red dirt-like stuff with his boot. "Sand, and made it into something useful. Fiber optic cables. Let's say I took sand and made fiber optic cables, and I made enough for myself, and I gave some to you. What would you be?"

Drax considered this, staring at his empty hand, and then said, "I'd have more cables."

"_Grateful._ You would be _grateful_." Tony knelt in front of the giant space raisin and tried to explain in the simplest terms. "People don't like having stuff taken from them. I don't. _You_ don't. You didn't like having your home taken from you—which," he added as an afterthought, "I'm sorry about that. It should be said. I really am."

Thanos frowned, the wrinkles on his forehead almost as deep as the ones on his chin.

"You want people to be grateful?" asked Tony. "You want the universe to bow down to you? _Give_ them something. Give them something big. Be a hero." He whacked Thanos' shoulder, and it was like punching a wrinkled purple brick wall. But Tony just twitched up a smirk and said, "Worked for me."

Thanos looked up slowly. He was obviously still processing that, and if Tony had to guess it was taking a while because he was dumber than a bag of hammers. (Considering Mjolnir, Tony had probably known _hammers_ smarter than this fatuous dolt.)

Thanos pushed into his knees and stood, taking his time like an old man getting off the toilet. "Your ideas are very strange." He reached to place a hand on Tony's shoulder.

Tony immediately moved both hands to shove it away from him. "I—I don't—like being touched. Thank you."

Thanos gave Tony a long look that made him just as uncomfortable, and finally nodded and smiled. "I would like to speak to you about this again."

"Oh, sure. I live on Earth, ring me. Can't give you my personal address, though, sorry. Last time I did that..." Tony winced to think of it. "Didn't work out so well."

Thanos nodded and walked away towards where he came. "We will meet again, Man of Iron."

"Cool. Yeah. See you around." And then, mockingly, under his breath, as the portal closed he muttered, "Or never."

Mantis' eyes were wide. Well, wider than usual. "Wow," she breathed. "It worked."

"I know." Dr. Strange frowned. "Unbelievable."

"That was awesome, Mr. Stark!" cried Peter, lunging at him.

"Oh, thank you." Tony took out some sunglasses and began to polish them on his sleeve.

"This was kinda fun." Peter rocked on his feet like an antsy kid. "Fighting aliens in space."

"Yeah, it was." Tony put the sunglasses on his nose. "Let's never do this again." He patted the kid's shoulder and steered him back towards the spaceship.

"You are fools if you think that will stop him," rasped Nebula's tinny voice. The blue cyborg clenched her fists, her hands shaking with frothing anger. "My father has formed this plan for years. He will not rest until it is complete. And neither will I, until I see his demise."

"I'll be keeping an eye out for him." Dr. Strange glided up to her, the Cloak keeping him a foot off the ground. "In the meantime, goodbye." And he flew off after Tony and Peter.

* * *

"What, and that was it?" cried Rocket, as soon as he heard the story. "With all the hoop-la around this guy, I thought it would be something more dramatic!"

Groot said, "I am Groot."

* * *

**A/N: "Fatuous dolt" is one of my dad's personal favorite insults. After watching Infinity War, Dad said that Thanos' true punishment should be banishment to an alternate dimension in which he's sitting in the back of an economics class for the rest of eternity. The same day infinitely repeats, and the chair is too small for him. My dad is hilarious and very right.**

Wrinkle-Chin McIdiot would probably be forced to watch the fantastic video titled **"Obviously Thanos is Evil. He's also Wrong"** by **Foundation for Economic Education** on **Youtube**. If you liked my little crash course in the fixed pie fallacy (also called the "zero sum fallacy"), FEE's video tackles this and the overpopulation side of Thanos' philosophy with historical examples and nifty line graphs in just ten minutes. The video was a big inspiration for this fic, and the idea for Tony Stark, literal genius entrepreneur, to be the one who gets through Thanos' thick skull came from an inspired comment (which I can't now find) by **CesarTheKing**. If you're interested, just search for **"Thanos economics"**, watch FEE's video, get learnt, and don't become a genocidal space prune that everybody hates.

**Reviews are sound economics.**


End file.
